I prompted ChatGPT with: "Can you produce a description of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that is vivid enough to evoke an image?"
ChatGPT responded with: "Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can be likened to an intricate and relentless maze within the mind, where thoughts and actions are governed by an unyielding set of rules and rituals. Picture a room filled with buzzing insects, each representing a persistent, intrusive thought. These thoughts swarm around your consciousness, demanding attention and adherence to specific patterns.
Now, imagine a meticulous craftsman tirelessly at work, meticulously arranging and rearranging a set of tools on a wooden workbench. This craftsman symbolizes the compulsions that follow the obsessive thoughts – repetitive actions undertaken to ease the anxiety brought forth by the buzzing swarm of intrusive ideas. The process is intricate, demanding precision and order, akin to the need for strict routines in the life of someone with OCD.
The disorder paints a mental landscape where the boundaries between what's reasonable and irrational blur, and navigating through this intricate maze becomes a constant challenge. Each step is calculated, every action driven by an internal force that insists on compliance with the rules, even when they seem irrational to an outsider.
In essence, OCD can be visualized as a never-ending dance between the relentless swarm of thoughts and the meticulous rituals performed to create a semblance of control. The image encapsulates the struggle of an individual caught in the intricate web of their mind, where the buzzing of thoughts and the meticulous dance of compulsions shape the landscape of their daily existence."
A fair description.
I then took this text and inputted it into Deep Dream to see what images it may produce.
I have been evaluating the photos to try and discern how they reflect the description. The general sense of all images is similar if viewed in the simplest sense. Detailed. Chaotic. In order, yet still a mess.
I think that is a good way to describe OCD. There are rituals and rules that the mind is constantly making and enforcing with anxiety. It seems so organized at times. Compulsions can look like deliberate repeated behaviors focused on precision to an observer who cannot commiserate. Within the mind of the one experiencing it, it is far less tidy.
Using my own experiences as an example to illustrate this point, I will look at checking a place before I leave. A while back, my coworker was going through security footage from the previous night looking for something. He became distracted by my odd behavior leaving the office. I would check the fridge and sink in the kitchen area, then check each office along the way, check the front door to make sure it was locked by pushing against the lock three times, then finally check the conference area. This loop lands me at exiting the building without doubling back. However, I kept doing it over and over.
He asked the next day about it, and I didn't know what he was talking about. He explained that I kept doing the same loop over and over for a long time, then eventually made and exasperated gesture and left. Not being able to relate, he was quite curious, but I was not interested in discussing it.
When in a checking loop, it starts over because that one "didn't feel right." There is an overwhelming sense of anxiety that "something" bad will happen if I don't redo it the "right" way. So, I start over, hoping that this time it will be different.
I think I pushed the fridge door too hard making sure it was closed. It may have rebounded back open.
I accidently checked the door one too many times, now the count is wrong.
That time, it didn't sound right. I'm not sure what I did wrong, but that did not sound correct.
I was pretty focused on what I messed up the last time when I checked the first office. I don't think I was paying attention. Someone may be hiding in there.
I could go on giving examples, but to what end? It is all irrational. I can be aware of it after the fact. I can even sometimes be aware of it during the occurrence. What I cannot do is convince my increasing anxiety that it doesn't matter. Even if I know it's irrational, the dial is turned up. Say I just leave. Will I end up back here in two hours rechecking because I become convinced the only way to stop the anxiety attack is to go back and check it right?
It all feeds the monster. The only thing that seems to help is ERP (Exposure and Response (Ritual) Prevention). The idea is that you don't feed it. You let something happen then resist all compulsions. The anxiety continues to increase until your brain stresses out so bad it shuts it off. Then, that one experience gives you one instance of evidence that nothing happened at all. The idea is you get enough evidence that you become less anxious when resisting the internal demands. With time, and not feeding your condition, you can reduce many behaviors.
After doing this with my therapist for a while now and learning more about the process and more about myself, I am finding that there is definitely validity to this approach. Things I have made the effort with are getting better.
The real problem is that there is no "cured." It is just how my brain works. So if I stop focusing on resisting and start a behavior up again, it will start the growing process over. If I don't catch it early, it will be just as hard as before to stop. So the chore never ends.
This is what I mean by saying it is "Detailed. Chaotic. In order, yet still a mess." There are observable patterns. It seems methodical. The reality inside my own head is that is just a mess of cognitive dissonance and trying to fight with my own brain over nonsense. I believe it is part of the reason I react calmly under pressure and in tough situations in real life. I can deal with those problems. Someone broke out my car window when I parked on the street? Okay, well I'll make some calls and get this sorted out. I can handle this. As opposed to my brain thinking I can't touch that door knob because I saw someone touch it two weeks ago and they don't wash their hands after using the restroom. I can't touch the knob or I will become contaminated and I will contaminate everything I touch and then people will be harmed and it will be all my fault! For me, at least the car window gives me something to distract myself for a while. Something I can fix.
I then reduced the scope of the description to see what results it would yield when scaled down in complexity. I reduced it to: "In essence, OCD can be visualized as a never-ending dance between the relentless swarm of thoughts and the meticulous rituals performed to create a semblance of control. The image encapsulates the struggle of an individual caught in the intricate web of their mind, where the buzzing of thoughts and the meticulous dance of compulsions shape the landscape of their daily existence." These were some of the images that it produced.
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