Cognitive Dissonance is no stranger to OCD. Opposing and conflicting views arguing inside my own mind for validation is the unending treadmill of this disorder.
The thought appears, almost from no where, to wash my hands. Perhaps it is something I touched, or the air hit my hand wrong. I must go wash. Or else. Or else what? I will start to contaminate things. The unintelligible uncleanliness will be spread if I am neglectful. I must obey. No, I must resist. Resist the compulsion, because feeding it will only cause it to grow. How can I resist though? It will put others at risk. If they are harmed as a result of my selfish behavior, then that harm will be my fault. There is no contaminate known, so there is no justification for such a leap of logic. What if I am immune? What if I am not feeling an effect because I cannot, but I can still carry it to harm others.
That is irrational.
Why does realizing that bring me no peace?
Is the mind a prison or a sanctuary? Is it normal to yearn for an escape from my oppressive mind, but then also see my mind as the only place where peace can be found?
I cannot have this battle externally. Society will not have it. It would improve no one else's existence. I would not improve either. So the war rages internally. I can only find in my own mind the peace to calm the chaos.
Intrusive thoughts. I do not explore social media very much, but it seems this term is being thrown around fairly loosely all of the sudden. I came across a discussion about it on an OCD Reddit page. Many of the users have been offended and quite vocal. From what I have gathered, it seems that some on social media are referring to general impulsivity and desires as intrusive thoughts. Examples would include dying hair a strange color and things of that nature.
For a more clear explanation of why this bothers many people, I tasked ChatGPT's AI with articulating the ego-dystonic nature of OCD. While it is well written, my motivation for outsourcing this task was the awareness that I have a tendency to downplay or obfuscate the experience of intrusive thoughts. "OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is often considered ego-dystonic, meaning that the thoughts, urges, or behaviors associated with the disorder are inconsistent with the individual's self-concept, values, or goals.
People with OCD typically experience intrusive and distressing thoughts or urges (obsessions) that lead to repetitive behaviors or mental acts (compulsions) aimed at reducing the anxiety or discomfort caused by the obsessions. However, these compulsive behaviors often conflict with the individual's desired self-image or their understanding of what is rational or appropriate.
For example, someone with OCD may have intrusive thoughts about harming others, leading them to engage in compulsive rituals such as checking or counting to prevent harm. Despite recognizing that these thoughts and behaviors are excessive or irrational, they may feel compelled to continue them due to the distress caused by the obsessions.
The ego-dystonic nature of OCD can contribute to significant distress and impairment in daily functioning, as individuals may struggle with feelings of shame, guilt, or frustration due to their inability to control their thoughts or behaviors in line with their self-concept or values."
It is hard to describe it myself because it requires me to admit that there are intrusive and distressing things going on in my head that I am constantly combating. Sometimes we reach for ways to describe what is happening, but it just comes off wrong or is misunderstood.
When asked, I want to evocate as best as possible. I know the other person cannot truly understand, so I look for analogies or words that will conjure a similar sentiment in their mind. This is tricky because it is a distressing experience. How do you draw out an understanding of something distressing and foreign to another without also worrying them? I have not yet found a reliable answer to that question.
Philosopher David Hume suggests in one of his works that humans are limited from truly empathizing with things they cannot experience. "...all our ideas are nothing but copies of our impressions, or, in other words, that it is impossible for us to think of anything, which we have not antecedently felt, either by our external or internal senses." I believe he was correct in this analysis. No words will ever properly cause another to understand intrusive thoughts who does not experience it. If you say "it's like a voice in your head," they will not be able to experience what you are struggling to put into words. The result is that the person thinks you "hear voices." Which was never the intent. It is a reach to bridge the gap of understanding.
This disconnect is the reason that the perceived "misuse" of the term intrusive thoughts does not bother me personally. I know I cannot make someone understand, so if they're going to use the term, I would prefer they believe it is something simple and benign.
No one can aide me in my daily struggle. Some days I do well. Some days I don't. Whether it is a good or bad day, I still struggle with the dissonance. In the moment I write this, I am resisting a compulsion that my brain thinks will relieve an obsession about something irrational. I suppose the metric by which we measure success or improvement is merely whether other people can tell or not. I take medication. It took years to get to this point. Psychologists, Psychiatrists, ERP, behavioral therapy, and more. I feel I am on a plateau. And it is not impressive. "What if this is as good as it gets?"
