"Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is marked by heightened anxiety and misplaced anxiety. That part of the mind is over reactive. The result for some of us seems to be a failure to have appropriate fear or anxiety in other situations. Perhaps it is still there, but is very faint when compared the the anxiety reactions endured on a daily basis. I can overcome fears that do occur intensely as well. Because I have to do that to do normal everyday things. Doing something dangerous is not really different because my brain evaluates it the same as when I'm afraid to touch a door handle. Often others will think I don't have fear, but the reality is that it is so normal that I become desensitized by over exposure. I get in dangerous situations because I do not recognize the fear when it is appropriate. It is background noise."
I have explained this thought many times and over the years my view has not changed much. One may wonder why, with the benefit of awareness, the pattern has not changed. I think it is because my awareness of this is not prominent in my mind. It is something I consider when evaluating why I made the decision I made.
If you cannot relate, you may see this as beneficial.
Despite a fear of heights, I have climbed the ladder on top of the two-story house to clean the gutters. Fear was overcome to accomplish the task. Despite fear of small spaces, I have dug tunnels no bigger than myself to get to gas lines under a building, overcome with a fear I cannot describe. Despite fear of spiders, I often go and work in many places that spiders reside.
It may be interpreted as bravery. I don’t know if I personally think that is a correct assessment. In the context of the disorder that I believe aides in overcoming these fears, I think what is happening becomes less clear.
Numerous times in my life, I have become “trapped” in a bathroom, public or private. Trapped by nothing more than my mind. Right now, I am doing okay. When OCD is overwhelming, I can become nearly paralyzed by the symptoms.
What would make someone feel trapped in a room they could leave? - Have I washed my hands enough times, or thoroughly enough, or the right way. Did my arm brush the side of the stall wall? I should wash my arm too, just to be safe. Other people are in here though; I must not be weird. I must wait until they leave then quickly wash my arm before someone comes in. Oh no, I bumped my hand on the side of the sink. I have to start over. I lost count when I was worrying about the wall, I have to start over. I repeated the wrong scripts in my head when distracted by starting over. I have to start over again. How can I be sure I washed them right? If I do it wrong, then they are contaminated. Anything I touch will become contaminated. Then someone will be harmed due to my negligence. Okay, hand washing done. Was able to dry my hands with air dryer without touching anything. Now, how do I get out. Half the people I am aware of in public restrooms do not wash their hands before exiting. Even those who do, they don’t do it thoroughly. So, the handle is definitely contaminated. How do I get out? No paper towels to use as a buffer. If I use my shirt, I’ll have to change shirts asap, and I won’t have a chance anytime soon. Wait for someone else to come in, stand by the door. Start moving as soon as it opens so that it doesn’t seem like you were standing there. Immediately shift to the right so that they shift to their right, unintentionally holding the door open for me. It’s been like 5min though. What if I space out while waiting and they just open the door to see a weirdo standing there staring. I wonder if I could make it funny. Great, my hand brushed the front of my pants. I have to wash them again. -
The only solution, often, is to fight through the anxiety and fear. Because it will not stop. Every solution is followed by a new problem.
Now, take that and amplify it to apply to the rest of life. Everything becomes far more difficult, but you have to still function and live in society. So, you learn to fight through it.
Medication helps take things down to a much more manageable level, but nothing can "cure" it. So, even when in a healthy period, the challenges are not gone. There is no vacation during the good times, only the calm of having things quiet enough to manage without drawing too much attention.
If you take that life and then apply frightening situations to it, my response will be different from yours. I have had to spend my life altering how I respond to fear and anxiety so that I can survive. Because of this, the frightening situations are not entirely foreign. I’m used to feeling like that. So, I generally can overcome it, and typically try to do so in a way that hides my fear. I’m hiding it all the time so people don’t be mean. Whether intentionally or unintentionally. Life has taught me that most people try to be nice, but when symptoms are noticeable, no one has the patience for it. They forget what I never get to forget, and that is my illness.
That is what makes it a disorder. My life is disordered by the processes of my brain. Recognizing the irrationality often does not help. If it were that easy to overcome, in what sense would anyone be burdened by it? Like most disorders that are recognized, it is not exactly rare. There is an internal error that is difficult to overcome. Even if you do overcome it, the next battle may be minutes or seconds away.
I have developed some coping mechanisms to deal with functioning while afraid. I’ve had to. They work fairly well when doing a dangerous or commonly feared task. Coming across a scary spider, I generally just focus and dispose of it. There is not a ton of thought on the matter. A doorknob can be much more distressing. I have thought that one into the ground. I also have to encounter them constantly, so my mind will be ruminating long before I have to approach the problem. Things like the spider, I am generally not anticipating. The major difference is that other people can relate to the spider, not the doorknob.
Sometimes, I feel anxious or apprehensive and just dismiss the feelings without paying much attention to it and proceed to do something dangerous without really recognizing the danger. Later I may discover that what I felt was a normal warning response that should have been considered.
Another piece of the puzzle is the input from society. Growing up you are taught to conquer your fears, as many childhood fears are irrational. As a youth and into adulthood you are instructed to overcome your fears, as it is necessary to thrive. As an adult, you are encouraged to persevere through your fears. They are what holds you back from success. I don’t necessarily disagree with any of that. I only bring it up to point out why those of us with overactive fears and anxiety are not likely to discuss them or bring them up with others.
That is not to say that we should. Every person has their own burdens, and few can truly help me with mine. I do not see much benefit from being completely open about it.
A thought to consider: The next time you see someone do something you believe is brave, and for a moment you wish you could be too… Remember that it is possible that they are just so accustomed to being afraid that they’ve learned to control expressing it, but are terrified just as you would be. Or, they are so used to it that they don’t recognize legitimate danger due to being overwhelmed by irrational fears.
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