"I am not certain how, but I keep getting disappointed even without having real expectations. I have only the vaguest assumption that I should feel things. I will witness a social response commonly, and believe something should happen inside me to cause a similar reaction. Throughout my life, I keep finding that often nothing happens. Neither good nor bad. My therapist suggested that perhaps my expectations are set too high. I explained, I don't think it is odd to expect something more than nothing to happen in situations that evoke emotions in most all humans, from my observation. Others seem to judge my lack of reaction, so to some extent, I act. The problem comes when I don't recognize I was supposed to have a reaction, and others are put off by my neutrality."
Reactions and Expectations. Or, more specifically, what is problematic with my natural reactions to events?
Masking is a normal function of human interaction, and a very useful one. Often it is done empathetically to convey commiseration, although none actually exists. The direct empathy is fake, but there remains the empathetic response of putting on the show that you believe would be most helpful for the other person.
A real example to illustrate: Someone looks upset/sad. I inquire, and they explain a recent tragedy that happened on the other side of the country. Without much thought, I responded, "How does that affect you? You found out they were dead before you ever knew they were alive."
Obviously, that did not go over well. I recognized pretty quickly that I had made a social error, but could not pinpoint what the error really was. I believed I was just stating something objective. I was not intending to help, comfort, or even dismiss their feelings. My reaction was simply an impulse to point out that it did not make sense to me.
I have had a lifelong habit of writing things randomly in notebooks and forgetting about them. When I feel the urge to write, I find one nearby and do so. I typically date and time the entry. I quickly forget about it altogether, but later will stumble upon one of them and read things I have written. The most recurring theme seems to be that I am usually confused. Often about social interactions, but in general there seems to be a confusion. Perhaps when I am confused is when I feel I need to write it out to better understand myself.
Within the last day, I have had something happen in my personal life that hurt my feelings a great deal. At least in the way I experience that. Based on reactions of others, and reactions of those I've talked to about it, it would seem my response does not match anyone else's. More than anything, I am confused. I don't feel angry, but sense where it would fit and be accepted by others. I don't feel sad, but also think it would fit well and be expected. I'm basically super bummed out, but mostly confused because I cannot make logical sense of what is happening.
Would anything make any difference if I did understand? I don't think I'll ever understand, so I also won't get to know if it mattered or not. At this point in life, it seems highly unlikely that I will have some epiphany that puts it all together.
I keep adjusting my behavior to try and match what I observe is appropriate or expected. Since I'm not battling a raw emotion, it does afford the ability to appear as if I'm handling things well. For example, if something is supposed to make me mad, so I express it to a small degree, someone may think, "It's good that you can control your anger and not say things you regret." Well... that is good... but I'm also not actually angry. I'm vaguely angry because I know I am expected to be. It doesn't really require reigning in. However, I do experience real anger over irrational nonsense, and I can say that there is work still to be done with controlling my response to it.
Or perhaps I'm no different than anyone else. I'm just over analyzing everything and responding to the same input in an odd manner. Perhaps it's the product of my childhood. Perhaps it's a product of my environment. I do not think I will get to know. Maybe I'll come across this a year from now, read it, and think everything I am writing now is nonsense.
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