Digging in your past for lost secrets. Do you expect to find treasures? Is that what you think you would have buried and hidden? Is it not more likely that suffering is what you buried to try and escape? Keep digging. When you unearth a nightmare, remember the effort you put into seeking it.
I know that this is true, but I am not listening to my own logic. My brain seems to prioritize curiosity above most things, regardless of the cost.
A few years ago, my biological father died. It seemed the answers I wanted went to grave with him. Through disposing of the possessions left behind, some items of interest caught my eye and were set aside. For a long time I did not pay them any mind, but eventually I wanted to throw them out and figured I would go through them first.
I took the stack of hard drives left behind and copied their data. I copied the data off CDs that were kept. I went through the items that he kept for his entire life. This task took a while, and immediately after, I did nothing with any of it.
In the last two years, I have been going through the files and disposing of them, retaining only what may be of value to another relative. Since I refer to him as my biological father, it should be apparent that there was rift between us. Finding information that helps me in any way seems unlikely. However, there were two things I needed answers to, and it seemed worth the risk to go through everything in one last attempt to get my answers.
Here and there I would browse through a few items and get myself irritated or find out things I would have rather not known. I was ready to just throw everything out, then when going to do so with the physical items, I came across a few odd things that made me pause. While I never understood why he saved most of the things he did, I will truly never understand why he saved the answer to one of my questions. I found in his own hand writing, a confession from almost 30years prior. Why he would have written it out is beyond me, but why he kept it all those years is even more perplexing. With one question answered, I became convinced I could find the answer to the second, which was more important.
It is more important because what I am looking for is his confession that would vindicate another. With evidence that it is not outside of his behavior, my brain has become obsessed with finding it. I have found in the electronic documents many references that lead me to believe it may be in here somewhere. I have came across many word documents with passwords. With "Brute Force" programs I have managed to open only one after months of processing.
As I keep searching and sorting, I am coming across things from my past that were long forgotten. I am stressing myself out and damaging my own mental health in pursuit of something I do not know if exists. The justification in my mind is that the harm done to me is irrelevant if the end result is found and can give another person peace. I am also feeling consumed with the pursuit. If I stop now, I did it all for nothing. If I persevere, then the result will give meaning to what it took to get there.
Digging in your past for lost secrets. Do you expect to find treasures? Is that what you think you would have buried and hidden? Is it not more likely that suffering is what you buried to try and escape? Keep digging. When you unearth a nightmare, remember the effort you put into seeking it.
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